Here's what Santa Claus should be delivering all 30 NHL teams
The Christmas gift list for all 30 NHL teams, as penned by Mike Zeisberger. (QMI Agency file photo)
For underperforming teams such as the Philadelphia Flyers, Dallas Stars and Philadelphia Flyers, 'tis the season to be melancholy.
But fear not, all ye faithful.
As the holiday season quickly approaches, QMI Agency has put together the ideal list of 30 gifts for 30 teams. But beware: No refunds allowed.
So, without further ado:
Anaheim Ducks: An injection of new blueline blood, considering Clayton Stoner, Sheldon Souray, Ben Lovejoy, Francois Beauchemain and Eric Brewer have all missed or will miss time due to injury.
Arizona Coyotes: A time machine. One that will take them back a year to a time when goalie Mike Smith was a stud, not a dud.
Boston Bruins: A new knee for captain Zdeno Chara. With the towering captain still out of the lineup, the B's find themselves two games under .500 on the road and have given up three more goals than they've scored. Seven goals against San Jose Thursday? Remember when Claude Julien's team could go weeks without allowing that many?
Buffalo Sabres: A plan. Do you really want Connor McDavid? Your recent winning ways certainly aren't helping your cause.
Calgary Flames: An extension for coach Bob Hartley under the Christmas tree. We know they've been talking, so let's make it happen. He deserves a reward for guiding the hardest-working team in the league.
Chicago Blackhawks: This is a real dilemma. After all, what do you get the team that already has everything?
Carolina Hurricanes: A way to get rid of that awful Alex Semin contract, which was the ultimate chunk of coal in the Yuletide stocking. Semin has a cap hit of $7 million yet has just six points in 20 games. If that's the new math, we don't like it.
Colorado Avalanche: A sip from the fountain of youth so coach Patrick Roy can strap on the pads again. Given the team's porous defence, they certainly could use St. Patrick back between the pipes.
Columbus Blue Jackets: A wing at the local hospital dedicated to all their battered and bruised players. Team should be called the Columbus Black-and-Blue Jackets.
Dallas Stars: Huge posters asking the public if they have seen Ales Hemsky. The Stars certainly haven't. A free agent signing who has gone missing in action.
Detroit Red Wings: Mike Babcock's signature on a contract extension. Moneybags owner Mike Ilitch will have to sell a lot of pizzas to make it happen though.
Edmonton Oilers: Some pride. Please deliver to the players and management. They need it. After all, the product they've been producing has been humiliating. If any fan base deserves better, it's the loyal members of Oilers Nation.
Florida Panthers: Actual fans who aren't disguised as empty seats. The crowds -- or lack thereof -- at Panthers home games are disturbing, no matter what kind of spin ownership and the league puts on it.
Los Angeles Kings: Some common sense. They knew Slava Voynov was banned from skating with the team yet allowed it anyway. The league does not take kindly to organizations that ignore regulations.
Minnesota Wild: More goals for Thomas Vanek -- he has just two -- and less stories about his alleged gambling debts. The Wild did not expect to shell out $19.5 million over three years for a guy who is on pace to score less than 10 goals this season.
Montreal Canadiens: A deep playoff run in honour of the late Jean Beliveau. Do it with class, too. Le Gros Bill deserved that much.
Nashville Predators: Some national respect. This team is for real, even though they get very little love throughout Canada and the U.S. Rinne, Weber, Forsberg and Neal form as good a foundation as there is in the league.
New Jersey Devils: Someone -- ANYONE -- that can be successful in a shootout. The Devils have just one win in the league's penalty shot format in the past 14 months. At this rate, we're expecting coach Peter DeBoer to lace up the blades and try his luck.
New York Islanders: A nice big wrecking ball, all wrapped up with a big silk bow, to demolish the Nassau Mausoleum at the end of the season. Yes, the place holds some special memories, most featuring the likes of Denis Potvin, Mike Bossy, Billy Smith and Brian Trottier. But the place is a dump. Has been for years. If ownership and Nassau County officials hadn't been so stubborn over the years, maybe the team wouldn't be moving to Brooklyn, which hardly is a hockey hotbed.
New York Rangers: A cure for the mumps, an ailment which has really hobbled the team.
Ottawa Senators: A life vest for personable coach Paul MacLean. He might need it if his team continues to flounder. Definitely a coach who is on thin ice.
Philadelphia Flyers: Liquid-proof jerseys. Because if the losing continues, the rabid throngs in the City of Brotherly Loathe might start greeting their underachieving heroes with beer shampoos on a nightly basis. Just be careful when you deliver these gifts, Santa. You've been booed in this town before.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Some Christmas cheer -- and improved health -- for Pascal Dupuis, whose career is in jeopardy because of blood clots. One of the good guys in the game.
St. Louis Blues: The Martin Brodeur of 2003, not 2013.
San Jose Sharks: Feature roles for players and front office suits on one of the daytime soaps, given how much drama always seems to surround this team. Check that. They could have their own soap opera: As The Sharks Turn.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Health for Steven Stamkos, one of the truly special players in the game. When he was out with a broken foot last season, the entire sport suffered.
Toronto Maple Leafs: A donation of every Leaf sweater chucked onto the ice by some of these classless fans to a charity of needy kids who actually would appreciate a jersey like that.
Vancouver Canucks: Nucks fans don't want anything. Their Christmas came earlier this year when coach John Tortorella and GM Mike Gillis were told to hit the road.
Washington Capitals: Migraine pills for coach Barry Trotz to battle the headaches his underachieving team gives him. So much talent, so many puzzling results. Pass the aspirin.
Winnipeg Jets: A suit of armour for defenceman Zach Bogosian, who once again is hurt, this time with an injured foot. If he didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all.