Sean vs the squirrel
It is a battle most primal - man vs nature. In one corner, we have Sean: homeowner, problem-solver, newly minted squirrel hater. In the opposite corner, we have The Squirrel: insistent, loud, Sean hater for some time. Neither is letting the other gain an inch in the battle for our roof.
Sean has tried to get onto the roof to see how the squirrel is getting into the attic. However, with a nearly vertical incline to the roof, Sean's not-so-nimble self cannot get a squirrel-eye view of hidey-holes. There is no end in sight to the battle that is waging, as emotions ramp up and words get heated. The squirrel knows how Sean operates and does everything he can to thwart Sean's relocation efforts. For example, Sean will cut down the tree branch the squirrel is using to launch himself onto the roof, but before Sean can put the ladder away, the squirrel is staring at him and chattering from another branch that provides access to the roof.
As a witness, I have to report that this is no ordinary squirrel. When I am outside, the squirrel twitters away and sits in the tree while keeping an eye on what I'm up to. He'll come down from his perch and run along the fence to form the cutest poses for me. In other words, he appears to be a completely normal squirrel. However, the moment Sean steps out the door, the squirrel turns from a friendly woodland creature to a tormenting, taunting, squealing roof jumper. And Sean turns from a friendly giant to the Incredible Hulk. His face contorts, he starts calling the squirrel all sorts of names and he comes up with Star Wars-type scenarios to get rid of his little nemesis.
I'm exhausted. I can't take the squirrel squealing and Sean hatching plans late into the night. I don't want to hear anymore about the battle for the roof. I can't tolerate any more ideas inspired by Billy the Exterminator. I'm an animal lover, and I kinda like Sean, so I need this battle to come to an end. Ideally, the squirrel would find another roof on which to reside, but with Sean making it so much fun for him at our house, he will never leave. I think he will pass our roof along to his children and grandchildren. And Sean will turn into a bitter old man sitting there pointing his cane at said squirrel family and cursing them.
Summer is going to be a battlefield. However, I can at least take solace in the fact that the snow will fly again at some point, and the squirrel will have to disappear for the winter. Then maybe Sean (and I) can have some peace.
Tara Seel is a contributing columnist to The Daily Graphic